Waiting on the Fear To Come

                I have been nervous about deploying, what is it going to be like, what will I do, will I meet people, all of those things, but I have never questioned it, I have never even fear it.  And I realize this is because this is where I am supposed to be.  Most of my posts will be about my experiences, what I’ve noticed and what is going on around me, but this is going to be a moment just about me.  So forgive me for a moment while I share.

                Ever since I can remember I wanted to be a lawyer, the younger I was the more things I wanted to be but lawyer was always one of them.  I don’t know why, no one in my family was a lawyer.  My grandfathers were doctors, my immediate family all math people, including as I got older my brothers-in-law.  But I wanted to be a lawyer.  As I got older it just stuck it because what I was going to do, no matter what.  My senior year of college, I was studying for the LSAT and I was second guessing my decision but I kept with it.  My first year of law school I hated it, I even started talking to mentors about doing something else for a while and leaving law school.  But a wise man, mentor, former professor and I like to think friend, talked me into riding it out.  He said even if I didn’t practice law I would know that I  accomplished what I had set out to do and I wouldn’t ever second guess myself.  So I stuck it out, Thanks Dr. Kilt J

                Then as I was ending my law school career I had to start thinking about what I wanted to do next and I was in almost the same place again I had no idea what I wanted to do.  After I joined, I was contacted and this story was written I think it best details why I joined the Corps.  http://www.goarmy.com/stories/berea-native-joins-us-army-jag-to-help-soldiers-in-need.html

Story by Rachael Tolliver

     It has been said that when we are young the little things we experience are the things that shape our lives.

For First Lieutenant Stacee Blackburn, a Berea, Ky., native, her seventh-grade scrapbook project and two WWII writings by her grandfather were the two little things that helped shape her life. These events directed her toward a career in the Army, after law school, and a job as an attorney with the U.S. Army Judge Advocate Corps.

"When I was in about seventh grade I was trying to decide what to get my mom for Christmas, and I didn't have much money," she explained. "While I was deciding what to do for her I was going through some old boxes of stuff from my grandmother's house. She died the year before. In those boxes I found some poems, stories and such that my grandfather had written before he died."

     In an effort to preserve them, Blackburn decided to type and print the material she found into a book for her mother and aunts for Christmas. In the process she learned about her grandfather, who had died before she was born. Of the things she discovered, the one that impressed her most was his service to his family and his country in a time that defined the "greatest generation."

"He had written (poems and stories) about his time in the service...they give a better idea of why I felt like I wanted to be a part of something bigger than myself," she recalled.

     Blackburn graduated high school, attended the University of Louisville for her undergraduate degree, and later graduated from its law school. She also worked at Fultz Maddox Hovious & Dickens law firm, in Louisville, acquiring legal experience. It was at the end of law school that Blackburn's thoughts returned to the military.

    

     "To be honest, I wasn't sure what I wanted to do when I was getting done with (law) school and had to start thinking about the rest of my life," she recalled.

     So, at the suggestion of a friend, she followed her seventh-grade discovery and visited a U.S. Army recruiter.

"As I walked out of the meeting I thought and prayed, 'God if the JAG Corp is where you want me then they will send me a letter offering me a commission,' and I left. I filled out the application, mailed it in, and just continued on with my job search not really thinking anything about it. But when I got the letter offering me the commission I knew it was my chance be to a part of what my grandfather had written about so many years ago."

     Blackburn said she thinks one of the big things she will get out of the military is growth and maturity. But she said she now has the ability to help soldiers who are serving their country and need some help of their own. Providing that help is important to her, she said.

Her parents have been supportive of everything she has done since making the decision, she said, and even helped her pack her belongings to move to her first permanent duty station.

     "My mom's first question was 'will you be getting deployed?' She then said she was proud of me and always knew I would be a lawyer (who was) not out for money but to help, and what better place to help than in the Army.

"My dad was proud...I remember when I was leaving for training he had this huge smile on his face and a couple tears in his eyes and told me how proud he was of me."

     She said she comes from a patriotic family—both grandfathers were doctors who served in the military—and she said her parents "are the people who, on any patriotic holiday, wear the flag shirts of red white and blue—the kind that when your kids are in middle school and high school can seem almost embarrassing."

     But she said their patriotism carried over to her. "I can remember the feeling I had hearing (the National Anthem) the first time I went to a baseball game after I joined the Army," she recalled. "The ball park was having military appreciation day and the National Anthem played...there was a pride but it was different because I realized I was 'one of those people.' I could be making a difference."

Blackburn is currently assigned to the JAG office at Fort Leonard Wood, Mo., and said she is learning about the legal world that is specific to the military as well as a few things law school couldn't teach her.

     "Well first off (I learned) how to shoot an M4 and do land navigation—I never learned anything like that in law school," she said. "As far as legally, there are some military specific things I learned regarding the (Servicemembers Civil Relief Act). I learned a lot about international law and operational law that are very military specific, a proper military target and a commander's responsibility.

"Not something I learned in the military but something that is different...everyone wants to help each other in the military, not compete with each other, where as in law school, most people are really just competing for class rank."

     She said she came into the Army thinking if she could help one soldier, she'd be making a difference and so far she feels she had done that. She added that she likes the people she works with and the office she's in because it all "clicks." And she's enjoying her decision to serve in the JAG corps because "we have the office environment but still everything works together to make for an office that is worth working for."

     While the military isn't for everyone, Blackburn said that she wished everyone could find a way to serve their country.

"There is a growing sense of (apathy) in America—people are out for themselves and they forget all that they have is because someone, somewhere, fought for them to have (lots of) freedom," she said. "Too often we forget what brought us to where we are. There (seems to be) a loss of pride for our country and our men and women who support and fight for it in all the different capacities."

She added that she thought if everyone found a way to serve, somewhere, there might be more sense of pride in their country.

"I am an optimist and I want to believe that people want to serve and help (others)," she said. "I think there is a lot to learn when someone gives up their time to help better the life of someone else."

               This still rings true, I can still remember walking out of that meeting and saying "ok God if this is what you want me to do I will be offered a commission," and when I got the letter there was no question in my mind, I was going to serve in the JAG Corps.  The same is true about this deployment, God showed me this is where I need to be and I haven’t questioned at least not since I started this journey.  Trust me it has taken a long time to see what this whole law thing was supposed to be about, and I am still learning every day but I know this is where I am supposed to be.  No matter what happens while I am here I have such a peace about it and I am so so thankful for that.  I think that is why I want to stress that this Blog is my experience and my experience will be like no one else's because it is me, in fact no two experiences are the same, so I am just trying to give a glimpse of what it is like for me.

                It is funny because I can trust so much now about being a lawyer, being in the Army, and being deployed that I don’t even fear the environment that I am in at all but I can’t seem to trust Him in my personal life, I am trying to be patient though.

                I don’t mean any of this to say how great I am, actually the opposite, this blog honestly is just so that my family and friends can stay on top of what is going on with me and I don’t leave anyone out.  I hope to never come across like this is something great I am doing.  I actually feel like I am cheating, I get to say I am deployed and I don’t have to do what so many others are doing for us.  I am thankful for those who are in the fight and I am honored to be one the fringe and hopefully help out a little.  So I say all that to say that and the title is waiting on the fear to come but I don’t think it will because I know that no matter what I am currently exactly where I am supposed to be.