Sleeping

I have been writing about things I am thankful for, for a few reasons, most of which I discussed in a previous post.  I am really trying to stay positive because in this environment it is very easy to get down, there isn’t a lot to do, and people are more negative here, they find reasons to be negative and it can be depressing.  So I have decided to focus on the things to be thankful for, but, this blog is about the full experience, not just a pep talk for me.  This blog is something that I can have to remind myself of this experience, all of this experience.  

I have had trouble sleeping here.  Honestly I had trouble sleep some at home too but here it has been pretty bad.  It has gotten better since a friend sent me a mattress pad and the mattress topper I ordered from Amazon finally got here.  Before that even if I wanted to sleep I couldn’t  because the bed was so uncomfortable it was like sleeping directly on the strings.  Every time I moved I would get pocked so at night I had to stay extremely still or I would wake myself up, assuming I could get to sleep.  But it wasn’t or I should say isn’t just the mattress that is causing me not to sleep.  Now that I have the mattress toppers by bed it amazingly comfortable, and I still find myself laying looking up at the ceiling and wondering why I am still wide awake.

Part of it is I hear everything, all the noises and sounds in the hallway.  The building that I live in is not insulated so when someone is talking to load in their room next to or behind me I can hear them and they can hear me.  And when some one is talking in the hallway you can hear everything!  And I am already sensitive to noises when I am trying to sleep, if it is too quiet I can’t sleep because I am listen for the noises, so I have to have some background noise to cover all the sounds in the night.  But here I have found it even more difficult.  Maybe because I am listening even more for thing, or because the sounds aren’t always familiar, I don’t know.  Today thought, this morning, I think I got a glimpse of one of the problems.   

Being here most days isn’t all that bad as far as threat and danger is concerned, at least not for me, I mean I am a lawyer, as I always say if I have to fire my weapon on the base then something has seriously gone wrong.  But that doesn’t change the fact that we are still in a war zone and have threats, and one morning I did wake up to sounds of small arms fire at one of our gates.  This morning I heard noises and I woke up, it was nothing someone doing something in their room, but enough for me to wake up and wonder what was going on.  I realized I am listening I am waiting to see if I hear anything.  That is why in part I don’t sleep well, because I am listening to make sure I don’t hear a sound that is out of place.

When I do hear a sound that is not normal, I wait shutting off everything that makes noise or stopping my discussion to see if we will get warning telling us what to do next, whether I need to go to get my gear on and go to the bunkers.  Yesterday While sitting in my office with a client a plane flying over set off some flares, and I stopped what I was doing and just waited to see what was going to happen if anything.  I wasn’t afraid or fearful, just waiting to make sure everything was ok.  I am adjusting to that being a way of life.  Again, It is not that I am scared or frightened when I see or hear something, but it is a fact of life here.  It is different, listening for noises and seeing what is going to happen and subconsciously I am listening for it most of the time.